4/29/2026
Nightcap Notes: Running Train at the Dollar Store
Well, I took the plunge. I crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. I did unspeakable things, and it's nothing to be too proud of. I ventured into a dollar store's desolate, bleak frozen foods section. Pretty sure a tumbleweed blew past me as I slowly examined each cooler door. I'll admit, I had no clue until recently that dollar stores had become full blown shopping centers. No longer just selling measly snacks, these stores are packed with pretty much everything you'd need from your shopping list. I walked past the frozen chicken, past the frozen pizzas, past the frozen potatoes and fries, and finally found what I came for. The premade, frozen, microwavable dollar store sandwiches. And oh how beautiful! There were so many of them! Roast beef subs, ham subs, Philly cheesesteaks, pizza pockets, grilled cheese. All of our favorites right there, ready and waiting. I made my choice. The BBQ Rib Sandwich. It looked pretty tasty on the packaging, surely it would be just as good as a McRib, right? But just as I was about to walk away another item caught my eye, the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. As a spicy chicken sandwich connoisseur, my interest was piqued. I had to try this one too. Now with two boxes in my hand (Yes, they come in little cardboard boxes) I was all set… Until I saw the cheeseburger. If I'm gonna try the sandwiches, surely I have to try the classic, right? Ok, fine. But that's it. No more. I proceeded to the check out, hands full with my sandwiches and various other little items and paid. Making sure not to make eye contact with the cashier, who most certainly would have been judging me. And probably feeling a little sorry for my toilet. I came home, microwaved each one, and ate them exactly as they came. I added no condiments or toppings. If I was gonna do this right, I wanted the authentic experience. So how did it go? Here's the breakdown.
First up was the spicy chicken. Right off the bat, I'll say this one turned out to be the most disappointing of the group. While the color of the patty was decent and consistent with other spicy chicken sandwiches, that friends, is where this sandwich peaked. There was no spice. No flavor. No taste. And the breading was nothing more than tiny morsels of rock hard crumbs. It was like eating a thin patty of flavorless sand. The bun itself was fine. But overall, this one was disappointing as several of you had previously told me that this sandwich was great, and your favorite of the bunch. Well, I cannot and will not agree with that one. This is one I would definitely not purchase again. It left much to be desired. 2.5/10.
Next up was the cheeseburger. My initial thought upon smelling it cook in the microwave, was that it smelled exactly like a burger you'd get at one of the gas station hot bars. Kind of smells good, but also kind of smells like shit. Surprisingly, it didn't come out soggy and was cooked pretty evenly. Nothing cold in the center of the patty, which is always a dreadful experience. The taste gave off cafeteria food vibes. Which isn't bad for me, since I was the kid that bought school lunches almost every single day. The cheese was cheese. Nothing special, but nothing gross. I enjoyed this sandwich more than I expected, and I hate to say this, but I think I'd even get it again. I'm rating this one a solid 6.5/10.
Finally, the BBQ rib sandwich. First thing you notice upon opening the packaging is the look. Compare the patty to the picture on the box. Is this supposed to be the same thing? The photo shows a patty covered in BBQ sauce. What the hell did I get? They must've forgot to dip the patty before throwing it on the bun, because it was dryer than a female after I show her 3 hours of pro wrestling matches on old VHS tapes. When I took the first bite, I was surprised at how sweet the sauce was. Even if it was pretty much just residue. Much sweeter than I had anticipated. But I guess that sort of fits the bbq theme. The patty itself, well, it was hard to figure out what exactly it was. Some type of meat like substance. Questionable at best. It was soft, too soft. And a bit chewy. Almost like dog food. Maybe not almost. Overall, I didn't love this one, but it wasn't as bad as the chicken. That said, I still probably wouldn't get this again. 4/10.
There ya have it. The first of what hopefully will be many horrible disgusting, toxic, food reviews. I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't touch on what I'm sure everyone is thinking. The aftermath… Well, I'm happy to say these items did not send me running to the toilet. I'm not sure if that's more of a statement to them, or the overall condition of my gut, but alas, I felt totally fine afterwards. And by the way, I did finish all three sandwiches. Nothing went to waste. Did I learn anything from this experience? Not really. Will I continue to eat trash? In a word, yes. This was fun. And until I get violently ill, I suppose I'll keep this trend going. I need to figure out what to try next. Any suggestions? I'm open to trying high end stuff too, not just gutter food. Let me know. Please. Hopefully you enjoyed this and please know I'm not a professional reviewer, so take everything I say with less than a grain of salt. In fact, I challenge you to go out and try any of these three sandwiches for yourself and send me your thoughts. In fact, I dare ya! Now somebody tell me what to write about next…